Alcoholism

• Meet The Discovering Alcoholic- It was brought to my attention that even though The Discovering Alcoholic has garnered a considerable reader base (just wish more would participate); I have never officially introduced myself. I guess from the title of the site you have already guessed, yes I am an alcoholic. I am proud of my recovery and often share this fact. I have been clean and sober without relapse since the fall of 94’ and keep feeling better everyday. I consider most substance addictions as birds of a feather, not making great distinction between drug addicts and alcoholics. I believe that any step toward recovery is a smart step and support most programs including AA, NA, MA, religious groups, self-styled, and rehabs. I hold a recovery class every week at a local methadone clinic, always have at least one or two alcoholics that I act as an informal sponsor, and of course there is TDA. I have found through my efforts of attempting to help others that my own spirituality, confidence, and appreciation of life greatly increases.

  In recovery, I have discovered that the very act of reining in my disease has empowered me to become a much better person. Ergo, The Discovering Alcoholic.

  I am many things; husband, veteran, redneck and blogger but most first and foremost I am an alcoholic. Addicts and alcoholics have the same foibles and frustrations of everyone else, but the negative repercussions that result from these are usually exponentially greater for those that are used to dealing with issues through substance abuse. They key here is to know oneself better, understand what pulls the trigger, and to adapt one’s lifestyle and actions into a preventative maintenance program. When you apply these same lessons as well as the confidence gained from recovering from such a chronic disease to other aspects in life (business, relationships, parenting), you cannot but help to feel empowered.

  So hello my name is Gavin, and I am The Discovering Alcoholic.

• Sci-Fi Drunk Driving Curse?-

  I have been asked in the past how I find enough content to update TDA on a daily basis, but to be truthful it is almost impossible to exist in our society and avoid substance abuse issues. They are so commonplace that we have become inured to their existence. Sport stars, celebrities, politicians, family members and coworkers provide plenty examples without mentioning the absolute pervasiveness of alcohol and drugs in media and advertising… it can be a little unnerving when you truly open your eyes and start to notice even the litter on roads and in our public places (don’t forget cigarettes). But on the bright side this at least allows me to cross over into topics other than a constant droning “I’m an alcoholic, you’re an alcoholic, wouldn’t you like to be an alcoholic too”, such as this uber-cool science fiction blog-e-zine called io9.

  An avid science fiction nerd/nut, I have been devouring books and movies of the genre since I was in the single digits so this site is a new favorite. Of course no different from any other arena it’s still not hard to find a substance abuse related topic to share. A good example of a story that fits the TDA bill is io9’s examination of the high frequency of DUI arrests for the cast of TV’s Lost.

  What is it with the stars of TV's Lost constantly getting nabbed for drunk driving? Is it yet another curse of the mysterious Island, or are conditions so boring in Hawaii that the actors just sit around with a bottle in hand when they aren't filming?

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• Alcoholic Playbook: The Two Minute Drill- No good will come out of the alcohol and drug abusing lifestyle of Amy Winehouse, so the best we can do is maybe learn from her addled antics. So take a seat on the bench and follow the X’s and O’s of the alcoholic playbook.

  The names, places, and circumstances may vary, but you can be rest assured that most alcoholics and addicts follow a very predictable path. The same rationalizations, secrecy, prevarications and red herrings are used by gutter drunks to Boston bluebloods as if they were all using the same playbook; let’s call it the alcoholic playbook.

  When we last heard from Amy she was executing a play I like to call the last hurrah in which she promised to get sober and her life back together after one last blowout at year’s end. We’re well into the New Year and since Amy is now smoking crack (watch this disturbing video) and drinking like a fish it’s kind of obvious that play fizzled. Rehab and getting her act together enough to perform at the Grammys seem a long shot now, in fact, we are probably in the final minutes of this game. So it’s time for the two minute drill, in football this would mean a hurried offense meant to move the ball quickly down the field in order to score. It’s a whole other ballgame when it comes to addictions.

  Click "Read more" to continue...

• Alcoholic Playbook: The Last Hurrah- The names, places, and circumstances may vary, but you can be rest assured that most alcoholics and addicts follow a very predictable path. The same rationalizations, secrecy, prevarications and red herrings are used by gutter drunks to Boston bluebloods as if they were all using the same playbook; let’s call it the alcoholic playbook.

  The latest news on Amy Winehouse shows that she is about to execute a play that is the bread and butter of those that have faced the fact that they have an addiction, but have either not suffered enough pain or haven't honestly decided to lead the life of sober recovery. Amy is calling it a festive binge; I call it “the last hurrah”.

  Amy Winehouse Plans Massive Christmas Blow-Out Before Heading to Rehab

  Amy Winehouse to Have Festive Binge Before Rehab in the New Year

  This play is used essentially as a guilt avoidance maneuver designed to accomplish two ends. It fends off those pestering for treatment by setting a future date of commitment and allows the addict/alcoholic the freedom to “enjoy” their last embrace with their beloved drugs. Unfortunately that’s the problem… they still love their substance of choice and the lifestyle in which their disease flourishes. Rehab may still be in the cards, but going to rehab without desiring recovery is pointless.

  If I had to make a guess at what stage in the addiction game this play is usually executed I would say just before or after halftime. There is still plenty of time left in the game to score a full recovery, but as with all addictions the game could always be called on the account of jail or death.

  Good luck Amy, you’re going to need it because in this game they play for keeps.

• No Vaccine for Human Nature- There’s been a lot of press about the cocaine vaccine that is being developed, but up to this point I have written it off as fantasy. That is until Time ran a story titled A Drug to End Drug Addiction. It wasn’t the clout of mainstream media entities Time and CNN that lended credibility to the story though, instead it was Dr. Frank Vocci of the National Institute of Drug Abuse who provided my proof that this is plausible. In fact, he actually stated that the probability of such a vaccine being developed soon was very high, maybe within "one to 10 years, and closer to one year."

  The vaccine will supposedly work by activating the body’s immune system destroying drug molecules before they can affect the brain. No drug induced high, then no addiction… right? The Time article explains cocaine’s addictive properties with a quote from George Carlin: "What does cocaine make you feel like? It makes you feel like having more cocaine." So I figured I would use a quote from another celebrity to explain why a vaccination will not end the scourge of addiction.

  If you are a sensitive person like me, you turn to something that makes you feel good. For me it was alcohol and cocaine. ~ Melanie Griffith

  The picture of Melanie is from her role as Lula in Something Wild where the sexy adventuress takes a staid businessman on a wild, dangerous, and sexy trip. Most people know that a wild ride with a young Meg Ryan is highly unlikely, so they look to drugs to provide that experience. If cocaine no longer fills the bill, they’ll just go after the next “in” drug. It's human nature to want to feel good, and since the beginning of history we have searched for a shortcut to hapiness through drugs and alcohol.

  My friend TJW over at The Junky’s Wife said maybe they should also work on an “acting-like-an-asshole vaccine and maybe a won't-pay-the-bills vaccine”, a husband-inspired wish I’m sure. Guess I’ll throw my lot in with her because it may be human nature to long for what we do not have… but it is also in our nature to hope.

• HBO Addiction: An Interview with Nora Volkow- "Science has shown that the brain has a remarkable ability to recover from addiction. With continuing advances in medical and behavioral treatments, addiction will soon be commonly accepted as a manageable chronic disease."

  
  This summary statement is displayed at the end of the 30 minute interview with Dr. Nora Volkow, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, done by HBO in its series on addiction. I agree whole heartedly that the brain has the remarkable ability to find ways around the damage caused by prolonged drug and alcohol abuse. However, the premise that addiction will soon be commonly accepted as a manageable chronic disease seems a little far-fetched to me.

  Read more below the fold...

• It's the Liar's Disease- I took up the challenge to occasionally highlight a famous alcoholic or addict that represents a realistic yet positive image to the public. With the high number of people suffering from addictions, especially among the ranks of the rich and famous, you would think this would be a relatively easy task. It’s not. I guess it’s just human nature to glom onto the drunken excesses or drugged induced antics… I know at least this is true with the press. So it’s a little harder than I thought to find something TDA blogworthy, but with a little creative searching I did find something fitting (unfortunately, a little dated) written by one of my favorite authors, Stephen King.

  In this EW article, King is giving his view of the flap over the fabrications James Frey made in his book A Million Little Pieces. He expands upon his critique to make observations of alcoholics and addicts in general while admitting to being in recovery from both forms of addiction.

  Substance abusers lie about everything, and usually do an awesome job of it. I once knew a cokehead who convinced his girlfriend the smell of freebase was mold in the plastic shower curtain of their apartment's bathroom. She believed him, he said, for five years (although he was probably lying about that, it was probably only three). A recovering alcoholic friend of mine reminisces about how he convinced his first wife that raccoons were stealing their home brew. When she discovered the truth, she divorced him. Go to one of those church-basement meetings where they drink coffee and talk about the Twelve Steps and you can hear similar stories on any night, and that's why the founders of this group emphasized complete honesty — not just in ''420 of 432 pages,'' as James Frey claimed during his Larry King interview, but in all of it: what happened, what changed, what it's like now. Yeah, stewbums and stoners lie about the big stuff, like how much and how often, but they also lie about the small things. Mostly just to stay in practice. Ask an active alcoholic what time it is, and 9 times out of 10 he'll lie to you. And if his girlfriend killed herself by slashing her wrists (always assuming there was a girlfriend), he may say she hung herself, instead. Why? Basically, to stay in training. It's the Liar's Disease.

  And did I wonder, pre-Oprah, if there were other lies in A Million Little Pieces? Nope. I just wondered when they'd start coming out. Because if my own career as a drunk both active and sober has convinced me of anything, it's convinced me of this: Addictive personalities do not prosper on their own. Without unvarnished, tough-love truth-telling from their own kind — the voices that say, ''You're lying about that, Freckles'' — the addict has a tendency to fall back into his old ways. And the chief old way (other than using, of course) is lying through one's teeth. And speaking of teeth, did I believe Mr. Frey's were root-canaled without benefit of anesthetic? Nope. Never did.

  Now this is not exactly being a sobriety cheerleader or recovery advocate but it is the truth and it’s coming from a man that’s has walked the walk and is willing to inform others about the reality of the disease. Kudos, or should I say Cujos, to Mr. King for being a positive influence in the recovery world.

• Funny, Unless He Just Crashed Into Your Car- It’s been a lazy Sunday, but now I have to pack and take off for the airport so I am going to let YouTube do my blogging today. Scenes like this are funny, unless it’s you in the video or he just crashed into your car. This guy is lucky the sheet rock in the police station is all that he has wrecked, it is estimated that 3 out of every 10 people will be involved in an accident where alcohol is involved.
• The Discovering Alcoholic on Tiger Attacks- Admittedly, being a recovering alcoholic doesn’t exactly make me an expert on tiger attacks, but neither does it take Sherlock Holmes (also in recovery) to solve a mystery when provided with such elementary clues as an empty vodka bottle, slingshot, a zoo with low fences, and a tiger that holds a grudge.

  The Siberian tiger (Tatiana) that killed Carlos Sousa Jr., 17, and mauled two other men, brothers Paul Dhaliwal, 19, and Kulbir Dhaliwal, 23, at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas Day, has sparked a police investigation and much speculation as to who is to blame. Authorities are still investigating how the animal escaped — recent reports indicate she could have jumped or scaled the enclosure's wall, which is nearly 4 ft. lower than the recommended standard — and whether or not the victims taunted her before the attacks.~Time.com

  Empty Vodka Bottle - Not of the Russian variety Tigroff, but more like "Tiger-on" as in the drunk idiot variety. The empty bottle was left in plain view on the front seat of the victim's car. NOT in the trunk, under the seat, or hidden in a jacket pocket just carelessly discarded in plain view regardless of the consequences. Get my drift? Slingshot - This is the part of the story that has not been verified, unlike the verifiable eyewitness and police reports of the vodka and taunting. In the hands of a child these things are a nuisance, in the hands of a drunk young man they are just an accident waiting to happen. A Zoo with Low Fences - Regardless of who is really at fault or simply fate, the zoo will no doubt end up paying through the nose for the fact that their fence did meet recognized standards for safety. Tiger that Holds a Grudge - "That tiger could have been surrounded by 10,000 people," says Dave Salmoni, the Animal Planet network's predator expert, who spent years training big cats; but if the animal has a mission, "it will avoid all of those people and just to go to those three people." Says Salmoni, "There's nothing more focused than a tiger who wants to kill something."~Time.com

  Where exactly to lay the blame? Well it would probably be easier to say who is not to blame, and that is the tiger that was just fulfilling her natural born role of a Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat. The one thing I would be willing to bet the mortgage on though is that if you take the vodka out of this whole sad equation then both the idiot and the beautiful tiger would still be alive. Once again, it doesn't take a detective to understand the relationship between alcohol, accidents...

  and tiger attacks.
  

• R.I.P. (Recovery Is Preferable)- It’s not hard to come up with a multitude of reasons why recovery is preferable to active addiction. I bet I know what would have topped Texan alcoholic Michael Warner’s list, of course we will really never know since he has been dead for a couple of years. However, I would guess it would have sounded something like this, “recovery is preferable to having ‘died from a lethal wine enema’ etched onto your tombstone.”

  That’s right, Mr. Warner will be remembered by those he left behind as the fool who died with a rear full of sherry. Mr. Warner apparently had a condition brought about by his chronic drinking that made it impossible to drink conventionally, so he began to take wine enemas instead. This bizarre method results in a much more rapid intoxication so one has to be careful not to go overboard (as if a colon full of wine wasn’t already half way there) to avoid alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately for Mr. Warner, two large bottles of sherry was more than his hooch shoot could manage, and he died with a 0.47 blood alcohol level. This case really serves as a great example and a firm reminder of how completely an addiction can strip you of your dignity.

  Since it's too late for Mr. Warner to recover his life, we can only hope that he will rest in peace.

• Not Cynical, Just Predictable- I guess you could call it a justified cynicism, but I rarely give much credit to the statements made by alcoholics and addicts that are making excuses or placing blame on others for their disease. After all, as Stephen king says- it is the liar’s disease. So when Bethlehem, PA firefighter Howard J. Aubrey sues the city for causing his alcoholism… consider me a skeptic. Read the news story from the link provided first, and then I’ll give you the “more probable” version based on my experience as an alcoholic and working with alcoholics and addicts. Trust me, I have been taking notes and we are a fairly predictable lot. Now here’s the way I see it: Mr. Aubrey was battling a substance abuse problem and may have already been a full fledged alcoholic when the environment at his work changed making it more difficult to cover his problem. In an effort to compensate, he went to the “good” doctor about his condition and then proceeded to abuse the drugs he was prescribed. This snowballed, led to increased drinking, and he finally hit rock bottom or as the story describes it, a complete breakdown. Click "Read more" to continue...
• Scientists Link Alcohol with Drunken Behavior- After repeated tests and lengthy scientific analysis, researchers at the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse have discovered a link between alcohol and drunken behavior. “A significant correlation can be drawn between alcohol intake and foolish behavior,” says one leading scientist. Others report that distilled spirits seem to take affect much quicker than brewed beverages and often the participant subjects will pass out before the test is even complete. “Performance becomes an issue” when those being tested were asked to do more than to sit on a barstool or awkardly talk in a very loud voice. Yes, I was being silly but this parody came to mind after reading this story detailing how scientists have learned that drinking dampens the ability to feel fear. Let's get real here, I don’t need a government grant and a scientific laboratory to understand that copious amounts of alcohol will make one bullet proof! Fortunately there is far more to this story than just the headline, they are actually making considerable headway in the field of addiction science. Click “Read more” to continue…
• I am an Alcoholic- Much to my wife’s chagrin in company I identify myself as an alcoholic when I feel it is relevant. Although definitely a topic for discussion this post is not about the fact that I can say this comfortably in public, instead it is about what I often do not say… “Recovering”.

  This point was brought up in a meeting not too long ago as we were discussing some of the reasons I openly admit my alcoholism. These reasons include 1) to put others with addictions at ease when we are discussing personal issues, 2) to make family members and friends realize this is a common problem and there should be no shame in coming out talking about these sorts of problems, 3) to serve as an example that just because one is an alcoholic, doesn’t mean they have to be a gutter drunk, and 4) to stand up when others speak act discriminately or have gross misconceptions about the subject of alcoholism and substance abuse.

  Believe me, nothing ices down a water-cooler discussion on “no-good drunks and addicts” like saying saying, “I’m an alcoholic, why don’t you ask me about the subject?”

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• Tricks of the Trade: Driving One Eyed Jack- One of the recurring posts of The Discovering Alcoholic is the Alcoholic Playbook, a series that illustrates how alcoholics and addicts often exhibit similar behavior regardless of their situation and status. I am going to start a new one today that will cover some of the unique adaptations that alcoholics and addicts develop in order to survive. I am going to call it Tricks of the Trade, and I urge you to add to my list whenever possible.

  The first trick I would like to cover is one-eyed driving. This skill is an absolute necessity for anyone who not only drinks and drives, but drives with their faculties severely degraded. This is a little known fact, but most alcoholics can drive long after losing the ability to successfully walk because they have learned the technique of covering up one eye while driving to combat diplopia, or double vision. Actually standing up and maintaining one’s balance actually takes more direct concentration than driving at 70 mph down the interstate driving one eyed jack.

  I review these things in my blog not for shock value, but as a way to raise awareness of the pervasive danger that drugs and alcohol present in our society. Driving one eyed jack isn’t a skill mastered by just the elite alcoholic, it is something learned quickly even by the greenest teen drunk. Scary isn’t it? I drove this way on at least a weekly basis… for years. I find it very unnerving when driving late at night if I begin to ponder the incapacitation level of those barreling down the opposing lane.

  Stay tuned, up on deck next is “on-demand vomiting”.

• Kissing the Blarney Stoned- St Patrick’s Day. I began thinking about this upcoming holiday and my drinking past as I was being bombarded by radio advertisements for drunk poker walks and organized bar hopping. Events perversely planned and executed to honor a long dead saint.

  Some might say it’s a holiday FOR alcoholics, however the practicing alcoholic I once was would have said it is a holiday FROM alcoholism. Yeah I know this may seem a little counterintuitive, but there actually is quite a good reason for making this statement.

  Click "Read more" to continue...

• Many Are Lonesome Tonight-

  You’ll hear a lot about Elvis this week that signifies the 30th anniversary of his death. Tributes, news reports from Graceland, and statistics about how Elvis still makes more dead than I will in my entire life. I am sure there will be Elvis impersonators galore and at least one or two Elvis sightings. One thing conspicuously missing though will be that we really lost Elvis a few years before his death when he succumbed to the prescription drug addiction that eventually killed him.

  The coroner’s report listed “cardiac arrhythmia” as the cause of Presley’s death, which means little more than his heart stopped. In fact, Elvis died after subjecting himself to a cocktail of prescription drugs, taken in doses no doctor would prescribe. They included morphine, Demoral, codeine, Valium and Placidyl, sedatives and barbituates. ~ Diane Chun

  Even his most rabid fans had a hard time making up excuses for his bloated appearance and spaced out behavior of his last years. This video is from one of his last concerts, he is obviously not all there; dedicated Elvis supporters refer to these last concerts as “painful”.

  Prescription pill addiction has always been a problem, but today with millions of Americans abusing medication yearly it has become a scourge. There a many lonesome people out there tonight. Some are missing a son or daughter who overdosed on prescription opioids; others wonder nightly whether their spouse will come home from their search for the illicit drugs that have replaced their medication. Some are sitting are sitting across the dinner table from a family member who, like Elvis in his final performances, is no longer the person they used to be.

• A Blogroll with a Higher Calling- By no means is the thought unique to alcoholism and addiction, but I certainly succumbed to a “lost cause” mentality. “What’s the use,” I would say contemplating sobriety, “I can’t even perform the most basic of tasks without having a drink.” Though a little embarrassed to admit it, even in recovery I have often surrendered to thought that helping others with addiction was quixotic because of the utter enormity and futility of the task.

  It is easy to fall prey to this type of thinking; been there and done that as an alcoholic, in recovery and dealing with addicts and alcoholics, and now in the work I do with the substance abuse task force. But recovery has taught me that nothing happens without taking that initial first step, even if it is a very small one. With each following step the way becomes easier and the tasks become more manageable. Along this same line, a small step made by many can move mountains, and this will be the purpose of the new TDA blogroll.

  “Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who does nothing because he could only do a little” ~Edmund Burke

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• Cool to be Comatose- A recent report by ABC News details the trend of young women posting pictures on social networking sites such as Facebook that show them drunk or drugged and often in compromising positions.

  My first thought upon reading this story was, “look at what those crazy kids are doing today!” Then I thought back to my drinking days (what I can remember), before the days of blackouts, tremors, and anxiety attacks when I considered drinking “cool”. Back to the time when the highlight of the weekend was playing a game of presidents and assholes with Ouzo or the time when we hog-tied in duck tape one of our passed out compatriots and hung him upside down from a stairwell… and I know I have no room to talk.

  Click "Read more" to continue...

• Letters from Hell - Part 4- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Part 4 of Letters from Hell. This letter is rather self explanatory. Jail is a depressing thing. Click here to read all the published installments of this series. May 25, 2006 Dear Dad and Sarah, I hope both of you are having fun in the sun at Disneyworld. I am alive and well, experiencing my own type of E-ticket ride in an upside down Magic Kingdom. I’ve been incarcerated for 19 days now. Time moves very slowly in jail. A lot of people here sleep most of the time, getting up only to eat or do the little cleaning duties we must do. I would say some people sleep about 18 hours a day. I think they are really probably clinically depressed. One inmate was removed due to not eating and not getting up to do anything. They took him away for a couple of days and then he was back. I heard they had to force feed him and give him an IV for re-hydration. Some people that have been in for a while claim they sleep so much because that is the easiest way to do “time”. With the noise and light always present it is very hard to get quality sleep (you get used to the smell). I do use earplugs and wrap a towel around my eyes sometimes, but the earplugs make my ears feel funny (itchy) afterwards and the towel usually unravels during the night. I am sleeping more than I did in the free world, 8-10 hours a day. I usually go to sleep around 12 midnight, and then we have to get up a little before 5 for breakfast. After breakfast, I (and most others) usually go back to sleep for a couple of more hours till 8:30 or 9:00. Between 9 and 12 noon is usually when I start writing my letters to you and Paul. After a noon lunch, I usually lie down in my bunk and read for a couple of hours and then take a nap for a couple of hours until dinner which is at 5.

  Click “Read more” to continue reading…

• Letters from Hell – Part 5- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to part five of Letters from Hell. Click here to read all the installments of the series.

  As promised there are the joys of ketchup and gas station apple pie. You will have to wait a while for the prison sex. Also, thoughts on my desire to drink or drug. To be honest I never saw any hard drugs in the jail. Only prescriptions they allowed some inmates to have which the guards supervised the taking of. Cigarettes did make it in from time to time but I never indulged out of fear. Several people got in trouble for that (Seg). There was much discussion of making some jail home brew out of orange juice, bread rolls, peppermint candy and whatever fermentable vegetable or fruit that might come available. I don’t remember the science of it but several people said they had done it before. Luckily no one had the skills or gumption to do it while I was there – I’m not sure I could have resisted. I probably would have smoked crack if it had been available it was so crazy sometimes.

  Dear Dad and Sarah,

  I hope this letter finds you doing well. It’s 9:30am, Sunday the 28th of May. Not much going on here at ****** County Jail. Inmates are waking up for the second time (first time was at 4:30 am for the morning gruel) and the noise of the TV blaring ESPN has just commenced. I hate ESPN. It’s on TV 80% of the time it is available to us.

  Click “Read more” to continue reading…

• Letters from Hell – Part 6- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to part 6 of Letters from Hell. This is the shortest letter in the series, but brings back some of the worst memories of my time in jail. If ever I need a reason to stay sober; I just have to think back on this. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  May 29, 2006

  Dear Paul,

  Warning – do not let Nan read this letter. I am so filled with hate and anger I am barely able to write this letter. My last letter cost me 17 items. That is how much they stole from me as I wrote Dad and Sarah a letter yesterday morning. It was the only time I had ventured outside my cell since we got store Saturday morning. I had gone down to the common area so I could have a table to write on. I was down for about an hour and a half. When I came back, I had been robbed.

  I know it’s only $20 worth of stuff but it is the only thing you have got in here. It’s not only the fact that I was stolen from and do not have the things that make it the least bit more bearable in here; but there is also the shame that you have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of. A feeling that you are weak.

  I was so mad last night that I became physically ill with a stomach ache and the worst headache I have ever had. Worse than any hangover I have ever had.

  My head pounded. I could only think thoughts of hate.

  Click “Read more” to continue reading the letter…

• Letters from Hell – Part 7- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Part 7 of Letters from Hell. This episode brings you more info on gang politics and practices as well as the exit of my best cellmate. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  June 6, 2006

  Dear Paul and Nan,

  Greetings from prisoner # 237458. Today marks one full month in jail. It seems like it has been much longer. No one in jail exclaims - “time flies”. Tomorrow, I have my court date. I look forward to it, yet fear it.

  I want to get out of this situation badly.

  I got a letter from Mom. It was very short. I will write her but don’t know what to say right now. I can’t imagine that she is very proud of me. I get the sick feeling that Mike (my stepfather) is probably ashamed of me. I’m sure I am not a topic of much conversation. Anyway, I will try to write her something nice and vanilla. Like, I just watch TV, eat, and sleep all day.

  The truth is that most of my time is spent watching my back, watching my stuff, and watching my mouth. Things are still getting worse. More members of the gang keep coming in. So much so, that they now fight amongst themselves as well as the general population. Violence is pretty much a daily thing now. TV is rare. Three of the four phones we have access to are broken due to young thugs slamming them after talking with their “bitches".

  Click “Read more” to continue reading…

• Letters from Hell-- Part 8- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell – Part 8. Another short letter. It seems the shorter the letter, the more unpleasant the memories they bring. This was day 32 of 76 of my incarceration and by that time, I was beginning to feel a little institutionalized like my buddy Burgette. A suspension of time and hope. Not really caring about myself, my family, or my future. Just shuffling along behind bars like some kind of zombie. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  June 7, 2006

  Dear Dad and Sarah,

  Greetings from Cell Block A Pod 9. It’s about 8:30am and I am waiting to be called for my court date. On one hand, I am anxious to find out how soon I can get out of here. On the other, I dread about how long I might have to stay.

  I have been up since 4:50 am. I could not get back to sleep so I took a long shower and laid back down and read a while. I had hidden away an apple pie and an orange juice to eat before I go, but my nerves have knotted up my stomach. I will not get lunch today, so I thought a snack before we left would help. Just as well, I guess. I would hate to have to go to the bathroom with leg and wrist shackles.

  Last night the guards finally broke up the gang that was headquartered in the cell next to mine. They took the leader (Peanut) and three of his henchman out of our cell block after dinner. The day before his main “captain” was taken away after instigating a fight with one of my cellmates. It all went down within a few feet of my bunk. I thought I was going to get caught in the crossfire, but luckily I did not.

  Well they finally called me, wish me luck.

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• Letters from Hell-- Part 9- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell Part 9. This letter seems pretty matter of fact to me. This was probably the easiest week I had in the joint. The gang had left and my thefts were down. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  June 13, 2006

  Dear Paul and Nan,

  I hope this letter finds you doing well. I am doing pretty good. I had an enjoyable visit with Dad and Amy on Saturday. I really enjoyed seeing Amy.

  I haven’t had anything stolen recently – it’s been almost a week since the last attack. I’ve learned how to hide and watch my stuff. I also only order things from the store that are easily hid. Flat things like beef sticks and peanut butter crackers that I can hide in my socks and underwear. Another reason for the reduction in crime has been the breakup of the gang. I can’t remember if I told you or dad before in one of my letters that they moved most of the gang out of Pod 9.

  My main complaints now are constant hunger, lack of hygiene, and boredom. I have been asking the guards for finger nail clippers for over a week now and they always say someone else will bring them – but no one does. I am also having a problem with my skin itching, flaking, and weird bumps. The water we have is highly chlorinated and has who knows what else in it. I really miss real world water, food, and toiletries.

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• Letters from Hell – Part 10 - I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell. Part 10 continues in the same matter of fact manner as the last letter. No drama, just the day to day jail stuff like staph infection and bad TV. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  
  June 16, 2006

  Dear Dad, Sarah, Amy, James and Audrey,

  I hope this letter finds everyone doing well. By the time you get this letter you will have been to the beach and back. You can’t imagine how envious I am of your trip. The sunshine, the water, the food, the scenery…the girls in bikinis. Unfortunately, I think a trip to the beach is out of the question for me this summer. Maybe next year.

  I am doing well; this has been the least stressful week I have had since my incarceration. My only complaints this week have been hunger and hygiene. We have had a big outbreak of staph infection. They had to move all the women prisoners out of their lock up block and move all the worst infected male prisoners into that block for quarantine. So we now have our own little “leper colony” right here in cell block A. The other block (B) also has a quarantine pod making a total of about 80 inmates with staph infection. The only methods of prevention are showers and frequent hand washing.

  They (the guards) harass us about staying clean, yet they want give us something as simple as bleach to clean our showers and bunks. No doubt, there are some very nasty individuals here – but you can’t force them to take care of themselves.

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• Letters From Hell-- Part 11- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell Part 11. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series. Today is the 72nd day since I first started posting these letters to TDA’s website. I used an online calculator to come up with these statistics:

  Duration calculation results From and including: Saturday, September 29, 2007 To and including: Sunday, December 9, 2007 It is 72 days from the start date to the end date, end date included Or 2 months, 11 days including the end date

  Alternative time units 72 days can be converted to one of these units: 6,220,800 seconds 103,680 minutes 1728 hours 10 weeks (rounded down)

  That’s about how long I was in the slammer. Actually I was in 76 days. I just wanted you to get a feel for how long (or short) that length of time is. Has anyone one read all the Letters from Hell since the beginning? Does it seem like a long time ago? I can assure you it seemed like an eternity in the Shelby County Correctional Facility.

  June 18, 2006

  Dear Dad, Sarah, Amy, James and Audrey,

  Hello to everyone. I hope this letter finds all doing well. It was good seeing Dad and Paul yesterday. I hope my house sells and that everything goes smoothly with the movers. I truly wish I could help. I know I am very lucky to have Paul taking care of everything for me.

  I was robbed yet again (the fifth time if anyone is keeping track), but this time it was kind of a trap to see if I could catch the person that keeps on stealing from me. On Friday mornings we always get the best breakfast of the week; two biscuits, gravy and a boiled egg. As you know, I don’t like boiled eggs, so I usually trade my egg in the morning for an extra biscuit. The boiled eggs are a delicacy here, because people will save them and pickle them by putting them in the juice of a “store bought” hot pickle. Friday morning I saved my egg and placed it in a used orange juice cup conspicuously at the end of my bunk. Unfortunately, I was once again foiled (between Saturday night and Sunday morning) and did not catch the thief.

  Click "Read more" to continue the letter...

• Letters from Hell – Part 12- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell - Part 12. This letter is a little out of sequence as I left a couple of letters at work thinking I would have time to transcribe them but did not. But being as there isn’t much of a back story except an alcoholic in jail, I am going to go ahead and let TDA put it out this week and correct the order later when they have all been done. I think there’s only one or two short letters missing in between. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  June 25, 2006

  Dear Paul and Nan,

  I hope this letter finds you both doing well. It was good seeing you Saturday. It’s late (10:30ish) Sunday evening and the TV has just been cut off. We are in lockdown for the night and about half of my cellmates have pulled the covers over their eyes. The lights have been dimmed but there is still enough light to read and write.

  My friend T-bone is reading the Bible to my right. It’s the only book he reads. He has court on Wednesday and is a little nervous. To my left, three people are arguing loudly over a card game. Resting on the farthest bunk from me (about 12 feet away) is a new inmate laughing crazily at them. It is the forced nervous insane laugh of someone who is not all here. He is 18 and does not know how to act in here at all. I can predict with 90% percent certainty that someone will beat him up by mid-week. I am positive he has mental problems. It’s a shame, but I will welcome his beating if it will shut his mouth or better yet get him out of here.

  Click "read more" to continue with the letter...

• Letters from Hell – Part 13- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell - Part 13. As befitting the holiday season this letter deals with a holiday; just not Christmas. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  July 6, 2006

  Dear Paul and Nan,

  I hope this letter finds you both doing well. I hope the holiday was enjoyable for you both. It was just another day here in the joint. It was actually quieter than usual. I think subconsciously it made everyone miss there freedom more than they were willing to admit. Everyone kind of stayed in their racks or watched TV in the dayroom. Believe it or not there was actually a marathon of Steven Seagal movies on AMC and that’s what everyone wanted to watch. It was actually a subset of a larger marathon called the “Four Fathers of Action” which included a block of movies from Seagal, Chuck Norris, Jet Li and J.C. Van Damme over a period of 48 hours. I tried to sleep more than usual.

  Many thanks again for taking care of all my business while I’m in here. It sounds like I will be in here at the very minimum for another month or so. It could very well be longer – hopefully you won’t have to deal with the wake of my problems I created for a while. I know the only way I can repay you is to stay sober and I intend to do that.

  I have been incarcerated for 62 days now. Each day goes by very slowly but looking back on it, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long.

  Click "read more" to continue with the letter...

• Letters from Hell – Part 14- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  Welcome to Letters from Hell - Part 14. Although in totality the letter and memories are pretty bleak, Part 14 nevertheless brings back some positive memories – in particular a change in my overall outlook from absolutely negative to somewhat positive. I think after seven weeks of drying out my brain was returning to a state that at least could be called medically stable. I think it was somewhere around this time that I may have genuinely laughed for the first time in five years. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  
  July 9, 2006

  Dear Paul and Nan,

  I hope this letter finds you both doing well. Nothing new here. The last couple of days have been okay. It was good seeing everyone on Saturday.

  I guess the two biggest things I can talk about are how quite it has gotten since Detroit and his cousin have left the block and the fact that we have no soap. I do – because I order a bar of Lever 2000 every two weeks. – but most in here simply do not have any. Whew. They (the guards) say we went through 6 months worth of soap in 5 weeks. They are not saying when we will get any soap, but I am sure when we do it will be with restrictions. If we don’t get some soon I am sure attempts will be made to steal mine and from the few others that have it.

  I have been taking a shower once and sometimes twice a day for the last couple of weeks because of the staph going around. I will probably drop back down to every other day to conserve my soap. Believe it or not if I smell clean people are going to “sweat” me for some soap and I mean constantly. It is getting pretty foul in here.

  Click “Read more” to continue the letter…

• Letters from Hell – Part 15- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  This is the next to the last letter in the series. As you can probably tell from the contents it sounds like I am pretty much getting accustomed to Hell. You would be surprised what you can get used to. I can hardly imagine how numb the Correctional Officers must be. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  
  July 11, 2006

  Dear Dad, Sarah, Amy, James and Audrey,

  I hope this letter finds all doing well. It sounds like you all had a really good Fourth of July. We had a pretty quite one here in the slammer. Inmates just slept all day or watched TV. Everyone looked like someone had died, especially the ones that talked to their family and friends, hearing about cookouts and parties. I didn’t see any fireworks this year – not even on TV.

  As usual people have come and gone out of my little 12 man area. Two welcome departures were Detroit (a.k.a. Lucifer) and his evil spawn ZuZu (a.k.a Little Nicky). After participating in three fights in two days the guards finally took them out of here. The last brawl with a Mexican resulted in bloodshed and I guess that finally got their attention.

  This morning we had two more departures to Seg resulting in a total of four new beds open since last Friday in my cell alone. This was also the result of bloodshed. Several young inmates in my cell were picking on a new inmate named Ben – stealing his stuff and slapping him around. Another inmate, older and not out of prison for very long told them to leave him alone. One of the young guys called him a “bitch”. That was the wrong thing to do. You do not call guys from prison a couple of things and one of them is “bitch”. Needless to say the youngster who slapped Ben in turn got a thorough beating. There was blood on my bunk and sheets where the older guy slammed the youngster’s (we actually called him “Teenager”) head repeatedly. It’s weird but this stuff does not even faze me anymore. I actually sat within feet of the entire brawl calmly watching, eating a fried apple pie and having a cup of orange juice. Not quite “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” but equally entertaining.

  Click “Read more” to continue the letter…

• Letters from Hell – Final Chapter- I want to thank Screedler for posting these Letters From Hell. This is a weekly feature that I always promote to the front page, some of the language may be disturbing but I think it is important that the text remains unedited the way it was originally written from jail.

  

  
  This is the last letter in the series. I didn’t know I was going to get out until hours before it happened. Click here to read all the prior installments of the series.

  
  July 17, 2006

  Dear Dad, Sarah, Amy, James and Audrey,

  I hope this letter finds everyone doing well. As I have told Dad, the last week has been pretty rotten. We have been in constant lockdown since last week due to fights and various episodes of contraband usage.

  We are simply too overcrowded and the fact that they use this place as a way station for prison inmates awaiting trail dates does not help. They are usually trouble. We have been searched about 5 times in the last week. This means the guards go through and throw away and tear up all your stuff including my pens and writing pad. They also threw away all my letters and several articles of my clothing just for good measure. Since then I have gotten back a pen and some paper but did not have anything to write on (a pad or a table) until today.

  Although I still have whatever kind of infection (staph), it is much better. Since Amy and Noah told me to stop using the Neosporin type stuff the nurse gave me it has gotten much better. Thank goodness, it was really bothering me.

  There have been several arrivals and departures to my cell since last week. None were welcome, all I was glad to see go. One was a thief (yes he stole from me… and others) another was a bully. One was a thief and a bully. I must say I like only about 1 percent of the people I have met in here. I can tolerate about 20 percent. I dislike 60 percent of them and downright hate about 19 percent. I absolutely believe in the death penalty now. I have met some people here that have no redeeming value; the world would absolutely be a better place without them.

  Click “Read more” to continue with the letter…

• A Three Front War on Addiction- Newsweek does a very good job this week with a feature called “The War on Addiction”. It includes some great information on the new medicines being developed to combat addiction by The National Institute of Drug Abuse which is headed up by one of my personal heroes, Dr. Nora Volkow. I really appreciate the way Newsweek did not concentrate just on the science and wow-factor of these new medicines, instead in this week’s addition you will find three different stories each highlighting a different front of this “War on Addiction”. I have provided a link and a quote from each of the stories and highly recommend them for your reading pleasure.

  What Addicts Need: So for this new paradigm to take hold, a lot of long-held prejudices will have to change. Doctors (and insurance companies) will have to get used to the idea of medicating their addicted patients, rather than handing them a brochure for AA, which a study published in 2005 in The New England Journal of Medicine found was the most common form of "treatment" offered. "If you have hypertension and it flares up, you go to a specialist," says psychologist Thomas McLellan of the University of Pennsylvania. "The specialist doesn't discharge you to a church basement. If he did, we would call it malpractice."

  Click "read more" to continue...

• Since I Couldn’t Hold my Breath- I am a worry wart; it’s a common trait of alcoholics and addicts (when sober). My recovery program allows me to accept my little quirks of checking to make sure the doors are locked or coffee pot is off, even though it has an automatic shutoff, three times before I leave the house. In fact, understanding my obsessive nature has allowed me to use this part of my nature to an advantage in my professional life managing projects.

  So you can imagine the thoughts that raced through my head as I found out I was packed like a sardine shoulder to shoulder with a doctor specializing in infectious disease for a two hour plane flight from Phoenix to Houston. After resigning myself to the fact that I couldn’t hold my breath for the duration of trip there was no choice but breathe and make the most of the opportunity to speak with someone who probably had a unique perspective on the adverse health effects of addictive drug use. He did, in fact he had a whole lecture on the subject, so I’ll give you the high points.

  Click “Read more” to see what the good doctor said…

• Substance Abuse Headline of the Year- Crack Found in Man's Buttocks
  

  Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks

  Screedler alerted me to this too funny headline earlier this month. No mention of the humorous wording makes me believe that the publishers of this submission were totally clueless on the double entendre, but that just makes this story that much funnier.

  Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks... Lynch was charged with possession with the intent to distribute crack cocaine, possession of crack cocaine, possession of drug paraphernalia, obstructing and hindering and making a false statement to police officers.~ MyFoxDC.com

  So here’s a TDA salute to the same news outfits that have covered Marion Barry antics for so many years regardless if they knew how funny this really was!

• TDA Grammy Preferences- I love music. Although sometimes going a week or two listening to nothing but politics and language CD’s while traveling, it seems that these breaks just make the listening experience that much more enjoyable when I turn back on the tunes. While traveling in the Nashville vicinity last week I ran across two radio stations that played an eclectic mix of classics from various genres that really tickled my fancy. I actually was saddened as the inevitable static breaks took over the music when I headed out of range and toward home. Along this line it’s doubtful I will get to see the Grammys tonight (I cancelled the cable TV concentrating on other projects this year), so no predictions this year but I will make known a few of my preferences.

  This year, it seems people cannot talk about the Grammys without mentioning Amy Winehouse. Yes she is no doubt a talented artist, but the news these days is more about her substance abuse and the irony of her hit song Rehab than music related. I did correctly predict that she would miss the Grammys, so my preference is that she will stay in rehab and make her recovery the priority. I doubt the Grammys would be a very good place for someone new to recovery anyways, but the introspective environment of rehab might be a great place to compose for a possible visit next year. As far as the awards go, I hope Rehab does not win best song preferring her far better Back to Black (see all videos below the fold) which is the title song of her album and in my opinion should have been nominated instead.

  Click “Read more” to continue…

• A Declaration of Independence- It is a fear I hear often from alcoholics and addicts new to recovery, that for the rest of their lives that they will be chained to a recovery program. As if recovery consisted of nothing more than announcing every morning to the mirror, “hi, I’m Gavin and I’m an alcoholic” or waking up thirty minutes earlier than the rest of the world to stand in a dosing line. I felt the same when I was in the first few months of my recovery, still attending my ninety meetings in ninety days I thought, “Is this what the rest of my life will be like?” Little did I know then the very things I thought would hobble my future would actually become the source of my independence.

  But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. ~ The Declaration of Independence

  Much like these lines from the historic document, I had long lived under the tyrant alcoholism. I had suffered much abuse and humiliation, yet so entrenched was my addictive thinking that the concept of having to attend a nightly meeting seemed an impossible burden. But in these meetings did begin a process, I formed “guards” for my future security. I found support from a group of strangers and small bits of confidence as worked through the steps. While I found early in my recovery that I no longer needed even weekly meetings, I kept up many of the personal habits and “steps” learned from these meetings.

  As I matured in my recovery I used my program to improve my life in general. I learned to tackle my fears head-on and how to deal with stress effectively. I began planning for my future and setting aside for emergencies. No longer living paycheck to paycheck I found the time and money to travel the world. Before I knew it my own house was in such order that I was helping others, and a spirituality I had never known bloomed almost overnight.

  Those first few meetings, when I thought I would be tethered to the back room of a church where I had to proclaim my alcoholism to a bunch of chain smoking coffee fiends were in essence my own declaration of independence. Little did I know it then, but I had actually thrown off the chains of my addiction and started down the path of recovery… and freedom.

• Problem, What Problem?- I've seen this picture floating around the internet several times and although I am loathe to a use cute, cuddly kitten as an example of substance abuse, this one is just begging for it! A few titles that would have worked here are "The Discovering Alcoholic: The Cat Days" or "I Can Quit Anytime I Choose... Just Not Now", but I can just see this kitten rearing his head after awakening with a bleary "Problem, What Problem" on his face.

  It reminds me of the guy last year who was explaining to me how easy it was to quit heroin, he should know, he had done it three times! Or the one that told me he had been clean for for six months, of course he had tested positive twice for cocaine during this time but that didn't count (you tell me?). Statements like these are stark reminders of how twisted our thinking becomes when perverted by an addiction.

  I saw a quote by Rosie O'Donnell originally posted in her blog the other day that also fits the bill of this topic.

  That prompted another to ask, "So, Rosie, alcoholic or not? Just spit it out! Don't go all Star Jones on us here. What led to you stopping the beer?" O'Donnell posted back: "'Cause I was drinking too much, 'cause I didn't want to any more, 'cause it is hard to lose weight when drinking, 'cause I can never have only one."~ People Magazine

  Too much drinking, don’t enjoy it anymore, and I can’t stop… but I don’t have a problem. Seriously, who cares if she is an alcoholic or not (she would be in good company), but it would explain how she went from amiable, funny comedian to hateful blowhard over the last decade. Now she says she’s off the sauce so I applaud her actions, and will pay closer attention trying to see if a sober Rosie can actually be likable and funny again. My advice though is not leave this post thinking of Rosie, look at the kitten again and take a smile with you on the way out.

• No Custom Orders!- Even after years of sobriety and recovery many addicts and alcoholics fall off the wagon. Oblivious to misery and heartbreak of years past, suddenly taking up the bottle or the needle seems a good idea once again. Only an acute mental illness could suddenly erase the memories of broken homes, marriages, and lives and somehow make one think that this time it will be different… as if placing a “custom” order. It reminds me of this Subway commercial, just imagine the woman ordering a martini or Oxycontin instead of a cheeseburger combo. .

  I would like to say if a bartender or drug dealer responded in the same fashion that this would prevent relapse, but to be truthful I think that a relapse happens long before the first drink or pill. It really doesn’t matter what you say to a person because at this point they are only listening to their illness.

• I come to bury Heath Ledger, not praise him- His death no longer a mystery, media outlets around the world are blaring the story, “Accidental Overdose Killed Heath Ledger”. Although I enjoyed many of his movies and was looking forward (still am) to his portrayal of the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie, his death did not affect me any more than that of any other stranger who died from drug abuse. I write this post not in praise of the admittedly gifted young actor, but to make an example of his death.

  Saying that Ledger’s death is “accidental” or due to “prescription drugs” is doing a disservice to what could be the actor’s last gig as the subject of a public service announcement. He died because he abused drugs. Found by his masseuse in an upscale apartment, dead from a handful of different prescription pain killers and sleeping pills should be considered the equivalent of OD’ing on heroin and being found in rigor three days later only because of the stench emanating from a public bathroom stall. In my book there is absolutely no difference between a heroin addict getting his fix and someone like Heath Ledger self medicating to live. There is a very large difference however in the way the general public and even doctors react to such occurrences.

  "This is not rock star wretched excess," said Cindy Kuhn, a pharmacology professor at Duke University. "This is a situation that could happen to plenty of people with prescriptions for these kind of drugs."~ AP

  Click "Read more" to continue...

• A Matter of Priority- Tina Williams, a St. Augustine woman, was arrested this weekend driving intoxicated. The arresting officer found two drug pipes in her purse, her daughter sliding around unsecured in the back seat, and… wait for it… a case of Busch beer tightly buckled into the front passenger seat. Obviously the woman had her priorities.

  I considered myself many things during the drinking days of my alcoholism; a student, a soldier, and yes even a son and brother. I thought going to school was important, serving my country an honor, and I always thought I put my family first; it was all a lie though. Because before I picked up a book, prepared for training, or attended to my familial duties I took care of my drinking first. I said all the right things and acted as if I was many things, but in reality I was an alcoholic and my drinking came first. Nothing came before drinking, and consequently nothing happened after drinking. It’s a curse; the very substance I needed to live also prevented me from doing so.

  I’ve stopped drinking; my recovery is my priority now. Because I am a recovering alcoholic I can now also identify myself as a husband, son, brother, friend, volunteer, activist and advocate… and mean it with all my heart.

  Hopefully this arrest will be the catalyst for Ms William’s own recovery. Maybe her priorities will change and she can stop being an alcoholic that is a terrible mother, and instead become a great mother that just so happens to be a recovering alcoholic.

• Lindsay Leads the Life Less Sober- Hi, I'm An Alcoholic -- Let's Party! That’s the TMZ title that headlines an article about recent rehabbers like Lindsay Lohan hitting the night clubs and party scene as if getting back to business as normal. Even if my favorite pal hadn’t already fell of the wagon (check out who’s swigging from the bottle if you aren’t sure yet), it was most likely a given by the way she continued leading the life less sober.

  The old school saying is change your people, places, and things if you want to maintain sobriety and old school is right on the money. The explanation for this tried and true saying is also the answer to why there is such controversy over the disease concept of alcoholism and debate for even a simple agreed upon definition. Many people want to pigeon hole alcoholism as an act or aberration that can be easily understand, categorized, and by some even easily cured, but this is not realistic. Sobriety is not the solution to alcoholism, just as insulin is not a cure for diabetes. Alcoholism is pervasive, both a way of life and a way of thinking, one cannot just quit drinking or expect recovery to happen overnight. Recovery must touch every part of our life or our brains and our disease will fall back into the old patterns.

  As an alcoholic, every decision I made was based on the availability of my drug. To break this pattern I had to start life anew and begin to form new patterns of thought and positive ways of coping. This would not have happened if I had continued to live as I did before as an alcoholic, but had attempted just “not to drink”. As long as Lindsay continues to live the life less sober she will remain at the mercy of her disease; a disease that will lead to more misery, arrests, and a failed career… a life less happy.

• They Don't Have Alcoholics- Imagine a country where 12 step programs, drunk tanks, and rehabs were unnecessary, sounds like an ideal place right? Well there is such a place and they don't have alcoholics -- but there is a catch.

  Article 179 of Iran's penal code punishes with the death sentence anyone caught drinking alcohol more than three times. "Under Iran's new computerised systems, re-offenders have no chance of escape," prosecutor Jalil Jalili was quoted as saying. He has requested the death penalty for Mohsen. ~ adnkronos

  Mohsen is a 22-year-old facing his third strike for possession of alcohol and drunkenness. In Iran they don't have alcoholics because they have replaced rehab with the gallows! Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad faced criticism for much of the same reason last year at a visit to Columbia University when he explained, 'In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country.' A statement like that can only mean one thing; and although he publicly denies the Holocaust, it seems that they are ironically implementing a final solution when it comes to matters they find uncomfortable like alcoholism or homsexuality.

  What's my take on all this? Well other than infiltrating Iran accompanied by a team of gay alcoholic ninjas taking justice into our hands, I doubt there is little we can do about people like Mr. Ahmadinejad and Jalil Jalili. I do hope however that the same technology that allows me speak to the world through The Discovering Alcoholic, will eventually so illuminate public awareness that the evils such as those that occur in Iran will no longer be tolerated anywhere.

  Good luck Mr. Mohsen.

• A Tale of Two Idiots- Drunks do very dumb things, but one of the worse things (just one of many unfortunately) they can do is get behind the wheel. Yes, normal people do get DUI's, but alcoholics and addicts get more and with substantially higher blood alcohol content (BAC)... which increases the chance of fatalities. Public awareness campaigns are one of the greatest prevention tools in the battle against intoxicated drivers, so in the spirit of the alcoholic theme song and eating your shorts I give you a tale of two idiots.

  One of these idiots didn't understand that with some topics it's considered rude to laugh, especially when the subject is a guy that you ran over and killed while drunk. Read below why Melissa Arrington was given a maximum sentence.

  (Judge) Cruikshank said he found a telephone conversation between Arrington and an unknown male friend, a week after L'Ecuyer was killed, to be "breathtaking in its inhumanity." During the conversation, the man told Arrington that an acquaintance believed she should get a medal and a parade because she had "taken out" a "tree hugger, a bicyclist, a Frenchman and a gay guy all in one shot." ... Arrington laughed.~ Fox News

  Click "Read more" to continue the tale...

• Speaking Out on the Silent Treatment- About the time I was mulling the idea of starting my own recovery oriented website I was clued in on an upcoming series on addiction that was to be highlighted in my local paper for the next few weeks. That series was alcoholic Thom Forbe's Silent Treatment: Addiction in America, it made such an impact on me that I actually saved every paper in which the series was featured. It was definitely one of my inspirations for moving forward with The Discovering Alcoholic. A former reporter for the New York Daily News, Mr. Forbes has a talent for storytelling and his own addictive family history is his primary source. The portion below is from my favorite of the original series, From bottom to top: One family's generational struggle with addiction.

  I am, at the least, a fourth-generation alcoholic. So, too, is my wife Deirdre. Our 22-year-old- daughter, Carrick, is a recovering heroin addict. Most members of our family have been successful professionally -- Deirdre's father was an attorney and judge; my side of the aisle brims with journalists who kept the proverbial pint flask in their desk drawers. My great grandfather was run over by a trolley car while covering a story in 1904 -- still reporting, probably inebriated, but certainly a broken man who was estranged from his family. Many of his progeny shared his taste not only for booze but also for the illusory camaraderie that goes with it in bars and binges.

  Check out his site, it is chocked full of human interest stories, statistics on addiction and recovery, and has several very useful sections discussing professional treatment. The Silent Treatment is made available in both English and Spanish. It should have been one of my first, but it is better late than never to give it a well earned TDA Salute.

• Meeting about Meetings- A meeting on meetings, yeah sounds kind of crazy doesn’t it? Actually the topic of our recovery meeting this week was why we go and what we get out of our weekly get-together at the methadone clinic. As a recovering alcoholic with a considerable amount of meetings under my belt I had a little more to say on this topic, but I was pleasantly surprised at some of the feedback even from those new to group altogether.

  Much like any 12-step or other recovery meetings you have those who say they are there because they have to be, either court or program ordered. A few of the responses including my own hinted at a self-flagellation or atonement, but for the most part that was just good natured banter. A sense of camaraderie and community was mentioned by those more regular to our group. A few even discussed how by listening and watching others it became easier to reflect upon their own actions and thoughts.

  There were two main reasons I pressed this topic and they really apply to anyone seeking or already in recovery. First, meetings are a positive step, direct action, on the road to personal recovery. No more crouching in the blocks waiting for the starter’s pistol, regardless if you get anything out of the meeting at all you are moving forward and this can be rewarding both in self esteem and accomplishment. Secondly, it’s about the only place where anyone will have truly have a clue about what you feel or experience. Friends, family, counselors and doctors may lend a sympathetic ear or even earnestly try to understand addiction; however it has been my experience that only an addict or alcoholic will ever truly “get it”. Not to take anything away from these well intentioned people, but they have about as much of chance relating to my story as I do to someone who wakes up to voices in his head telling him to sacrifice amphibians- the context just isn’t there.

  Strangely enough, when asked I usually say I’m not a big fan of group meetings… but I host one weekly, strongly recommend them to others, and almost always get something positive out of them. I guess that sounds about as crazy as a meeting about meetings.

• Khufu is Drunk- ”Khufu is Drunk” was actually the name of some poor worker on the pyramids of ancient Egypt who probably had to drag stone blocks with a hangover… and I thought I had it bad being called The Discovering Alcoholic! This is just one of the weird things I learned while reading Dean Martindale’s Getting Wasted in Ancient Egypt in which he offers many examples of alcohol abuse in the old country.

  The drunk chick on the left that seems to be ceremoniously blowing her chunks in what has to be one of the strangest choices of artwork for a gravesite (it was found on a Theban tomb) that I have ever seen. Apparently though, the ancient Egyptians were rather open and knowledgeable about the repercussions of drinking and alcoholism.

  In the Maxims of Any, the author sites hurting oneself, childish behavior and the disapproval of companions as a few of the dangers of excessive drinking, while another document known as the Miscellanies warns against injuring others and having sex with prostitutes while drunk. This composition likens a drunken man to a boat with a crooked steering-oar, a house without bread and even a shrine without its god.

  Who knows, maybe the picture above was really the equivalent of an ancient public service announcement, kind of a "This is Isis; this is your Isis on drugs".

• The Discovering Alcoholic 2.0- The Discovering Alcoholic will be going through a site upgrade for the next 24 hrs as promised at the beginning of the year. Please bear with us as there may be periods of interrupted service, but be on the lookout for our new look that will follow. Increased spam protection, improved visibility, easier comment posting, and a new blogroll of advocates are features of the new site that I believe will improve the interaction and user experience. We will probably lose some of the most recent comments, but all of the main content from the old site will be included in the new. Once the site is up, please feel free to comment or e-mail me with your thoughts, suggestions, or bug discovery.

  Thank you for your patience!

• Add It Up- I sat in a room earlier this year with twenty other alcoholics and drug addicts. We were trying to add up what our addiction had cost us, our families and the general public. The figures we came up with just from our little group were exponentially greater than I had first supposed. For example: 20 people racking up 1 year each of missed work ($416,000), 20 people averaging 20 days jail and 5 court dates ($100,000), or even just the funds we stole for or diverted to illicit drug purchases ($?$?$?)! Now that's over a half million dollars for 20 people that meet at a medically assisted recovery clinic that has over 500 patients serving just one county in Alabama. Now before you start figuring the costs of the other 480, try to wrap your head around the collateral damage caused by addiction that includes neglect, abuse, infidelity, health issues, bankruptcy, truancy, and crime to name just a few. Looking at this issue from my perspective, the cost of substance abuse to our community is astronomical.

  Bill Layfield, a senior representative of Faces and Voices of Recovery, will also sit in a room tomorrow, but he will be meeting with Alabama Senator Richard Shelby tomorrow in an effort to restore $2.5 million that has been cut from the Recovery Community Services Program (RCSP) of the 2008 federal budget. The RCSP supports "organizations that provide services and enable peers in stable recovery to help others avoid relapse and move into long-term recovery" and plays a large role in the hosting of the annual National Recovery Month. I know Mr. Layfield; he is an old pro when it comes to recovery issues. I think he will get the good senator see this issue from his perspective, one from which protecting or even increasing RCSP funding is an easy choice and a sound investment in prevention against the astronomical costs of substance abuse to our communities.

  You can help Bill and all of us in this effort; I'll make it easy for you. Click here and just enter you zip code to get a preformatted letter to send to your senators and representative with just the click of a button telling them to restore full funding to RCSP. When you add up the costs of substance abuse in our communities, cutting the funds to these programs just doesn't make sense. Your E-mail can make a difference.

• Cleaning Up Spilt Milk- It is amazing how quick I am to form opinions based on the flimsiest of information or worse from an arbitrary and blind assumption. An example of my willingness to have strong beliefs about something I know little or nothing about was my negative stance on methadone and medically assisted recovery, which completely changed into a full fledged advocacy once I had the opportunity to witness firsthand and volunteer at an effective treatment center. Unfortunately I made the same mistake with the organization National Association of Children of Alcoholics (NACoA), a group I very unfairly pigeonholed as a group of alcoholic adults whining about past injustices.

  I know it sounds horrible, but a few years back I had read a blog entry (yeah, one paragraph to damn an entire organization) that seemed to be nothing more than alcoholic blaming his condition on his equally addicted parents. The way I saw it, crying over spilt milk instead of doing something about it. I could have been no farther from the truth though, and fortunately I have had the opportunity and the enlightenment to see the error of my judgment. NACoA is not a group with a focus on its own victimization by any means; instead it is a group advocating the health and safety of the nearly nineteen million children living in alcoholic households through public awareness, education, and direct assistance.

  So in essence, it is my turn to clean up my own spilt milk and right and unintentional wrong, regardless that it was just in my unvoiced opinion. So I am doing my part by highlighting through my channels this week of Feb. 10-16 which is National Children of Alcoholics Week as designated by the NACoC. Clicking on the flyer to the right will take you to the official site and another link suggesting ideas of how to get the word out. I personally will not stop with this blog post, I intend to submit an article tonight to my local newspaper- I hope you will do the same.

  Coming from someone who should have known better, you have my apologies NACoA and an embarrassed but sincere TDA salute for the good work your organization is accomplishing.

• Pimping Out Recovery to the Dealers- Yeah, I know the title is a little hyperbolic, but stories like this one from CitizensVoice.com about so called “progress” using Suboxone in addiction treatment are driving me bonkers.

  ...easing state regulations so operators of outpatient clinics can more easily prescribe Suboxone. Currently, clinic operators who wish to prescribe the drug must apply for a Modified Narcotic Treatment Facility license from the state... Meanwhile, primary care doctors can easily prescribe Suboxone from their offices by taking an eight-hour course to get a license from the federal Drug Enforcement Agency. Clinic operators say the “double standard” makes no sense because they are addiction specialists capable of caring for substance abusers with expertise, counseling and other treatment resources family doctors can’t provide

  For those of you not in the know, let me tell you how this circular firing squad works. Patient has pain. Patient gets pills from doctor. Patient gets addicted to pills. Patient has addiction. Patient gets pills from doctor. Rinse, repeat.

  Now that sounds awful strange coming from a guy who fully supports methadone, Suboxone, and most medically assisted recovery programs but unfortunately nowhere in the above description is the word recovery. Just like methadone, Suboxone should be considered a very useful tool, part of an expansive recovery program designed to wean opiate addicts off ALL drugs. To hand an addict a bottle of pills, pat him on the rear, and say come back in two weeks, well, as the Spartans would say… this is madness!

  I know it may sound a little cynical, but I got a nasty feeling that some of the profiteers and drug companies that are part of the original problem have discovered how to pimp out “treatment” to the dealers- and there are a lot of well intentioned professionals that will be suckered into this non-solution to a very pressing problem.

  Update: I have already received e-mail from addicts saying that they are different, can successfully use Suboxone, and come off all drugs without a recovery program. Well (1) my experience would be wait a year and you can tell me a different story at rehab or in a meeting, (2) congratulations, you should play the lottery more often, and (3) why e-mail me guys when there is a comment section?

• Politician Gets “A” in Addiction Politics- Some politicians tend to demagogue the issue of addiction because they know the favor they will gain by appealing to the prejudice and bias of their constituents. Case in point is the proposed bill by state Sen. Mike Carrell of Washington to require those convicted of DUI to display a fluorescent license plate to distinguish them to police and the public. If anyone deserves a shameful branding it is Mr. Carrell for this asinine piece of legislation which I strongly disagree with on three points.

  1)Does a convicted drunk driver somehow also deserve humiliation in addition to the traditional punishments they will serve along with those convicted of other crimes? Until I see every citizen forced to wear a placard announcing their police records to family, friends, and employers I think it is easy to see the unfairness and downright discrimination of this practice. 2)For those that are alcoholics, no high profile tag or even loss of license will prevent or discourage them from drinking. 3)Instead of seeking new and inventive ways of punishing and embarrassing drunk drivers, maybe more thought should be put into prevention and actually keeping intoxicated drivers off the road.

  I give Sen. Carrell a scarlet “A” for asinine in response to his proposal, but I will make a suggestion that would enable him to change its designation from shameful to a grade of excellence.

  Stop shaming drunk drivers, taking away their licenses (the only way many can get to work, take care of kids, or go to treatment and the now mandatory meetings) and increasing the chance that they will fall prey to depression and addiction- instead fine them, educate them, and make them wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet with the warning that they go to jail if they drink… period. The facts are that taking away a license does not keep drunks off the road; my experience is it just makes a bad situation worse. The bracelet insures that if the person being monitored does drink that they will be arrested before they drive, instead of just whenever they are caught driving which is often too late to prevent tragedy. The bracelet becomes a tool that increases sobriety and compliance, allows for more treatment and recovery options, and actually reduces the time a repeat offender may stay on the road. Win. Win. Win.

• Congress Balks on Substance Abuse - An energized Congress has devoted a very large share of their session this week to the issue of substance abuse… of performance enhancing drugs in baseball. The media has gotten involved also with CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and even CSPAN following the proceedings... of the soap opera-like testimonies of Roger Clemens and his trainer. The President has even been busy highlighting substance abuse services… to better see which funding he intends to cut.

  In a nutshell, the nation is enraptured by the play by play action of our congressmen grilling juiced professional athletes on whether or not they “play fair” while the President cuts funding to programs targeting real substance abuse issues. Forget the fiddle, Rome is burning and our congress critters are playing baseball. But for all the time they are spending on steroids and growth hormones in baseball, they have balked at addressing real substance abuse issues.

  For many people, federal and state-funded treatment and recovery services are the only way that they can get help for alcohol and other drug problems and get on the path to long-term recovery. Over 21 million Americans aged 12 or over still need help and aren’t getting it. Almost half of the people who tried to get help were denied treatment because of cost or insurance barriers. The shortage of addiction treatment and peer and other recovery support services results in waiting lists in many places, sometimes as long as six months. The President’s request of $352.1 million for CSAT (treatment funding) in FY 2008 is a decrease of $46.8 million from FY 2007.

  Please tell your congressman (find your representative here, senator here) to stop striking out when it comes to real substance abuse issues. If they would have used half the time and money they’ve wasted on this Clemens debacle, they could have already fully funded the Center for Substance Abuse Treatment and more.

  100,000 people will die this year and million will suffer because of substance abuse and addiction, yet apparently our government is more concerned about whether or not a professional athlete should have an asterisk placed beside his records!

• The Hidden Costs of Sobriety (or a different kind of Hell)- You will remember screedler from his Letters From Hell series that was a weekly favorite. He is now keeping us up to date as he continues his struggle through court ordered insanity and his own successful recovery.

  As I was walking (my driving license has been revoked) from my place of employment to my random drug test; I thought about how much easier it would be to stay sober if it weren’t for the “powers that be”. Be it court ordered, probation officer ordered, court referral officer ordered, group therapy ordered or social ordered I have become less than human. I have lost all my freedoms except for what I eat and the right to smoke. Even though I am not incarcerated (anymore) I still have to pee with someone staring at my unit and be somewhere I don’t want to be most any hour of the day. The court winds me up and sends me on my way each day to my numerous appointments. Let’s see; what will it be this hour – a drug test. No not yet – an AA meeting. Definitely later. Right now – beg someone to take me (drive) to my probation officer. Maybe I can swing by and see my court referral officer too. Well, if I can’t work any of those things in I can always attend some of my 6 hours a week of “alcohol and drug awareness classes” – that’s always fun. And you might ask? Screedler; how can I have such a vibrant schedule – well let me tell you – it aint free. Here’s how it breaks down: Drug tests: $20 a pop – sometimes twice a week Classes: $40 a pop - twice a week Probation officer: $30 a visit at least once a month Court Referral Officer: $20 once a month AA three times a week: free; but I do drop my share in the bucket.

  Click "Read more" to continue reading...

• A Little Commentary on Super Bowl Sunday- Walking out of my hotel Friday ready to head home for the weekend I grabbed a USA Today off the front desk. Later that evening opening up the Travel section I was a little irritated by the glaring headline, 10 great places to drink in the Super Bowl action. Yeah I know, it’s the Super Bowl and I should lighten up, which I did. In fact, I enjoyed watching the game with my brother immensely. It was a great game. What made the game even better was that this was the first ever Super Bowl we have watched together both being sober with him now also in recovery.

  Unfortunately though, there will still be plenty of heartbreak going on tonight not because of who won and lost, but due to drugs and alcohol. The drunk tanks will be full, an intoxicated driver will no doubt take a life, and there will be accidents and criminal behavior galore in this long night of revelry. Yet as a society, in the morning we will still turn a blind eye to the death and destruction caused by substance abuse and instead concentrating on the glorified mystique of alcohol as portrayed by the sexy women, buff men, and the eternal sunshine of those 30 second advertisements.

  In what seemed as almost a consolation prize given especially for me, there was a PSA slipped in between the million dollar ads during this game that I thought was quite effective. It has a drug dealer lamenting the fact that his business is slow, because kids no longer need his services when they can just go to their parent’s medicine cabinet. I doubt seriously that it will be a top download, but it probably will make a few people think about prescription drug abuse and of course that is exactly what it was designed to do.

  The Friday headline may have gotten me a little down, but a sober brother, great game and this surprise PSA made for one of the best Super Bowl Sundays I can ever remember.

  Office of National Drug Control Policy Ad: Drug Dealer
  
  

• Beer Bellies, Bingo Wings, and Shrunken Testicles- Wow, what a title… too bad the writer of this book review on fitness myths went with a limp title like Don’t blame beer for that belly. Of course using a title like this is risking the chance that it may be the most enjoyable part of the whole post, kind of like using the only good parts of a movie in its trailer- but hopefully that’s not the case here.

  Obviously I latched on the story first because of the obvious mention of beer bellies figuring I might be able to write a light hearted piece for the weekend. As I read into it though, I discovered a more serious issue I would like to discuss. The book separates fitness fact from myths including how drinking beer is not necessarily the cause of a beer belly. I had a good idea of what bingo wings might be, however I checked my guess on Wikipedia anyway. The book suggests exercise can be effective in eliminating these unappealing features, but those who have abused steroids and hormones will probably just have to live with the shrunken testicles. Ouch.

  The serious issue I mentioned relates to the reason why beer is not necessarily the cause of a beer belly. The true cause of this condition involves more than just beer; it’s caused by a lifestyle choice of eating too much, exercising too little, and physical predispositions. It’s the same with alcoholism and addiction. Yes the beer is a problem, but it is the entire lifestyle of an alcoholic which is dangerous and the reason why even sober an alcoholic continues to have problems. Clean and sober, but still thinking and acting in an addictive manner means that relapse is inevitable. It’s why recovery is some important, its not only about living sober, its about learning to live healthy again both mentally and physically.

  (and with healthy testicles)

• Heath Ledger Dead: Suicide or Overdose?- Heath Ledger, the young Australian actor famous for roles in “A Knight’s Tale” and “The Patriot” was found dead in his New York apartment Today. The talking heads on the TV news are reporting that he was found “surrounded by pills”.

  My first though upon hearing of his death was that this was an accidental overdose by someone who had fallen prey to the substance abuse lifestyle of the rich and famous in the entertainment industry. But the phrase “surrounded by pills” sounds as if he passed out lying in the scattered remnants of the pill bottle he emptied, just like a director had laid it all out so it was obvious to the audience he had committed suicide. This story by Fox News however, includes information from other sources that leads me to believe that maybe my first assumption was right.

  But The New York Post reported that Ledger died of a possible drug overdose and his apartment was strewn with pills.

  Obviously an apartment strewn with pills paints a very different picture, probably one of substance abuse. Maybe after his split with wife and daughter he, like so many people, turned to drugs cope with his grief.

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• Alcohol and Substance Abuse Advocacy Update- There’s more to being the Discovering Alcoholic than the just the glitz and glamour, I also have to deal with the paparazzi and then there’s the challenge of walking around safely with a billowing green cape. But seriously, for many years my efforts in the recovery field were on a small personal scale, but things have changed in the last year since the governor became involved.

  Now I am part of a greater effort, a substance abuse task force that has made available resources I could have never matched while on my own. My first official action with the task force is planning a substance abuse advocacy workshop in my region that will include the participation of prevention, treatment, and recovery professionals as well as law enforcement and government. I will probably push for a location and venue in which the issue of this facility's fate can be discussed in a more factual and productive manner.

  Before I wrap this update up I would like to mention the good work my friend Erin over at WhatWinnersDo.com has put together in support of those beginning a medically assisted recovery using suboxone. It’s a forum called the Suboxone Help Spot, a place where people can share their experiences and hopefully filter out the misinformation floating around on this stuff and get some re