Signing Off at Night

If I have heard it once, I have heard it a thousand times. “At night I have trouble turning off my thoughts” or “when I try to go to bed my mind just starts racing” are just a few renditions of this standard complaint for alcoholics and addicts”

I know I said it a million times myself. I thought I was crazy... no, actually I WANTED people to think I was crazy. I remember I used to joke with an old girlfriend about why every night I would drink myself into a stupor. I would say it was to slow down the racing thoughts, until the old TV sign-off screen was the only thing left in my mind and I could drift off to a fitful sleep.

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I already knew I was an alcoholic at the time; I would physically shake and have anxiety attacks when my blood alcohol content fell below “normal”. However, I desperately wanted a reason that I could use to justify my affliction to myself and others of why I had become this way. I convinced family, friends, and doctors that I was manic depressive, bipolar, and had a chemical imbalance and even got a collection of nice prescriptions to accelerate my addictive behavior. Who knows, some aspects of my craziness may still be a little true but…

MY MAIN PROBLEM WAS THAT I WAS A CHRONIC ALCOHOLIC

I have discovered through the course of events in my recovery that the “racing thoughts” was mainly a symptom of my alcoholism. I drank all day, got nothing done, and then worried about it all night unless I medicated. While I was actively drinking I didn’t worry about much, but in a dark room alone with my thoughts I was living a waking nightmare. I find working my own program of tackling problems as they pop up their furry heads like a whack-a-mole allows me to lay my head down at night and easily drift off to a well deserved sleep. When I procrastinate or misbehave, on comes the insomnia.

In essence, I really can turn the sign-off screen on and off at night because it is based on my behavior during the day. Thank God I don’t have to put up with that incessant high pitched whine that used to accompany it. I guess I’ll sign off now to the tune of the national anthem, I would like to thank the viewers and of course our sponsors…