My story, Part V - The End or the Beginning?

Promoted to the front page from the user blogs. I want to thank Gatinha for posting this series aptly titled My Story. You can find the previous postings from My Story here at Gatinha’s blog.

My beloved mother was gone, way too soon at the age of 49. I had failed at two marriages. I was only 29. My life went into a complete tail spin and drinking was the only way out of the pain, loneliness and regret. I resented everyone: God, my father and my two sisters. The Big Book says that resentment is one feeling the alcoholic cannot afford to let get the best of him/her.

I couldn't believe that God would let such a horrible death befall a good woman like my mother who had loved everyone and given her life as a missionary. I blamed my father for her death since he had been cold and unresponsive towards her. I blamed my youngest sister for being such a rebellious preteen and for making my mother's last days on earth so sad. I blamed my other sister for going back to California only two days before Mom died because she said that she could no longer stand the smell in the room.

I don't know how I continued to teach. My classes were three days a week and the rest of the time I drank. Somehow I remained one of the most popular teachers on campus and no one knew of my private nightmare. I was always able to put on the make up and the smile. Everyone raved about my talent. I was the one that others went to to discuss their troubles. Even when I finally went to A.A. for help and declared myself an alcoholic, my friends and family said they had no idea.

Click "Read more" to continue the post...

I spent evenings in night clubs. There were other men. I met my third husband in one of them. Once again I had picked a man who had a serious problem with intimacy. Not sexually this time. He drank as much as I did and never could decide whether he loved me or hated me. We were both singers and entertained and traveled a lot. Davie was about 20 years older than me and had a 2 year old son from his previous marriage. He was obsessed with getting custody of him and his ex-wife knew how to manipulate the situation. Sometimes Davie would get angry with me and disappear for a week or two. Several years later I found out that he was a big gambler and went to Palm Springs and Las Vegas a lot. After a year and a half I left him and filed for a divorce. Everyone was shocked because they thought that we were the perfect couple. Davie was the most shocked of all.

Finally I hit bottom and was having panic attacks. I thought that I was going to die. I went to my first A.A. meeting, shaking like a leaf. I stayed sober for six months. A funny thing happened in A.A., I was reintroduced to God. I had spent all that time trying to forget there was a God and even hated him for what he had let happen to my mother. I found a God, who had been with me all those years, loving me and protecting me. And the biggest shock was that I could have a relationship with Him even though I was far from perfect, in fact, among the worst sinners that had ever lived. I read the Big Book, and even though my story was far different from many, I saw myself in those pages. It was like the book had been written about me.

The story doesn't end happily there, however. I was very allergic to smoke and there were no non-smoking groups that I knew of. I quit going to meetings and eventually had that first glass of wine. There were other men and even another marriage. The outcome was no different with each man and eventually I would leave them. My drinking did change, however, because now there was someone in my life who loved me: my higher power - God. Now I wanted to live and stay sober. Year after year I failed to attain continuous sobriety, but there were many more good days than bad ones.

I tried going back to A.A. on several occasions, but I didn't fit the pattern of the alcoholic with the different sponsors that I picked. I was supposed to have hurt many people and needed to seek them out to make amends. I was supposed to have lied, stolen and lost jobs. I was supposed to have alienated everyone that loved me. If those things didn't happen, then I was lying or not facing reality. Thankfully none of that happened. It could have, but it didn't. I am successful financially, never took a dime from any of my husbands, and by the grace of God have been able to support myself. I also have a family that loves me and I love them, including my dear father. He is my hero, one of our WWII vets who fought for his country. He was a pilot stationed in Guam. He has changed too and now even says, "I love you."

I have been happily single for many years. If Mr. Right were to come along I wouldn't fight it, but I don't need a man in my life anymore. I am not alone or lonely. I am still teaching at the same university where I taught all those years ago. I left and had other careers but 8 years ago was invited to return and restart the program that ended when I left. Next week I'm starting a second teaching job, teaching language to new missionaries that are going to Latin America. The opportunity came out of the blue and I am very excited about it and my future in a new career if all works out.

There is one fly in the ointment. On occasions I have picked up that six pack or had a drink or two. I know that is a problem for me, and it is extremely risky. Everything that didn't happen is still waiting.

I am an alcoholic.

So, on with 2008. So far so good!

*Names have been changed for anonymity.