erinsav's blog

Contributed by our friend Erin over at:

I can honestly say that for the most part, I don't think about using drugs. There was a time when that was all I thought about but luckily, that's not the case anymore. That's not to say that I don't ever think about it...I do.

What I have found is that I will have urges to use in two scenarios. One is when I'm going to a social function. I still have a mild case of social anxiety. Maybe by calling it social anxiety I am making more out of it than it really is. It takes me a little while to feel comfortable in social settings. It is in the midst of me feeling uncomfortable that I start to think about "the good old days" when I would numb this anxiety with the use of drugs.

The other scenario involves any kind of turmoil or tension between my husband and I. It's really weird, we'll have a fight about something, which married couples do from time to time, and my first instinct is to say "I wanna get effed up". It's like a knee jerk reaction to me feeling anger towards him. "Ooh, I'll show him, I'll get whacked out". Ya, that will show him alright.

Luckily I have come to recognize these moments for what they are. Yes they are cravings, but it is a direct result of me needing work in certain areas. I need to work on better ways of overcoming my social anxiety. I need to work on better ways of communicating and dealing with my anger towards my husband when the situation arises.

I guess you could say that I need to improve on my coping skills. I'm hoping that by recognizing this in myself, and trying to find a way to improve on this I will have a different knee jerk reaction when presented with these situations. One which doesn't involve my thought automatically turning towards drugs.

Is that even possible? I honestly can't tell you one way or the other. I can say that I have my doubts. There is a reason that people are in recovery for the rest of their life right? Maybe that reason is because there is no real changing of addictive thinking, there is only recognition of it.

Right now my only defense against addictive thinking is the certainty that it is there, and that it is what it is. I would really love to hear other people's thoughts on this. Has anyone gotten past their tendency for addictive thinking?

Contributed by our friend Erin over at:

I feel like some of the skills that I acquired when entering into recovery are kind of slipping away. Most importantly is my ability to stay in the day. I find myself slipping into my old habits of dreading the future.

I'm wondering if that is because I'm not doing my best each and every day...I'm leaving stuff looming over my head. I need to get back to my belief that if I make the most of today, do everything that should be done today, I won't have anything hanging over me tomorrow.

Another thing I'm noticing is a feeling of loneliness. This isn't the kind of lonely that you feel because no one is around you. I have a house full of people around me all the time. It's not for lack of people that understand what it is to be in recovery because I have fellow addicts on-line that I can identify with.

I think this is more a feeling of not being connected to my higher power right now. When did that happen? Why did that happen? I don't know. I'm finding it impossible right now to connect on any level with a higher power. I'm hoping by me realizing that this may be the cause of my lonely feeling that I'm able to do something about it.

Maybe feelings of spirituality come and go in a persons life...I'm not really sure. That is what seems to be happening in mine. Since spirituality is such an abstract thing it's not like I can just say "ok, I'm going to do this or that to become spiritual again". It just doesn't work that way.

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Contributed by our friend Erin over at:

I am still amazed at the amount of times I catch myself trying to fool myself. "Maybe you weren't really an addict", "Maybe you could do it just one more time, one time isn't going to be a big deal". These larger self deceptions I can usually catch. So why did a little one sneak by me?

Last week I went into the bathroom, opened up the drawer, and proceeded to take two Benadryl capsules. "For Allergies?" you may ask. Nope. Just to get the drowsy effect of the anti-histamines and go to sleep. Ok, so it may not seem like the worst thing that I could have done. It wasn't the worst...but it definitely was something.

In the days before this happened I had kind of lost focus on my sobriety. I don't think I was really staying in the day. I wasn't doing the best I could do each and every day. I was feeling kind of in a slump. Unfortunately none of this was realized until after I took the Benadryl.

You know what they say about hind sight. But how do I become better at seeing the warning signs of relapse before I actually do the deed. I guess that is the question in addiction recovery isn't it? That is what everyone strives to do.

I guess I let my guard down and this was the shock back into reality that I needed. This was definitely a harsh reminder that I am an addict, I always will be and I have to keep that knowledge very fresh in my mind... or else!

Graciously provided by Erin over at WhatWinnersDo.com and promoted to the front page because it is an excellent analysis of addictive behavior!

I abused over the counter drugs for many years. I used situations where I was "sick" to sleep days at a time away with the help of OTC drugs like NyQuil. Since I am no longer practicing this destructive behavior the question is now presented to me: I have a cold, what do I do?

It seems like such an asinine question. What do you mean what do you do? You ride it out just like the rest of the world. Why is that such a foreign concept to me? Why have I always felt the need to medicate myself to such a degree that I would sleep whole days away? Because I'm a drug addict.

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Read more from Erin at What Winners Do...

Now, I get kind of embarrassed when I think of this but I'll tell you anyway. I bought a stone from a "spiritually enlightened" store for $20.00 so that it would bring good vibes to me. Sadly, this was not while I was actively using drugs, if it were I would have an excuse for this behavior. I was stone cold sober (pun intended).

It was once told to me that a certain type of stone could attract good vibes. If you carried this stone on your person and you focused on this stone's energy, you would benefit from it. Let me break that down for you: I walked around with a rock in my pocket. A rock that I could have just picked up outside off the ground for free, but chose to pay someone $20.00 for.

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Promoted to the front page -- submitted by our friend Erin at What Winners Do

Up until now I have had a very easy time looking on the bright side of things when it came to my new life in recovery. I say up until now because today it seems to have ended.

I have heard the expression used "walking around in a pink cloud". I think this best describes what I have been doing up until now. It's like I have been discovering everything for the first time again in my newly sober brain and loving every minute of it.

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Deservingly promoted to the front page, read more from Erin at What Winners Do.

It used to be that every Saturday night I would go out with my husband and we would go do a bar and get drunk. It would be pretty fun...until Sunday.

I would always have a hang-over. Sometimes it would be the kind where I had to lay on the bathroom floor to sleep because I wouldn't want to be out of toilet range. Other times it would just be that I was completely dehydrated and tired and wouldn't get off the couch all day.

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